The following is a guest post, written by a recent client who’s life took a dramatic turn recently. Please allow her a few moments of your time and leave a word of encouragement if you are able. Thank you. ~Brenda Hoffman
July 23, 2016
Today should have been the best day of my life
Today should have been the best day of my life, it was supposed to be my wedding day. However, instead of enjoying getting to walk down the aisle to meet the love of my life, I am mourning four months since the day of his death. I will never get the joy of being able to call myself his wife. I will forever be known as only his fiancée. But that piece of paperwork not really changed anything but the titles of who we were along with what my last name is. That simple piece of paper is just a fancy legal document; it doesn’t change feelings or who we were as a couple. Even though I know all of this to be true I can’t help but still yearn for that certificate. I will never be able to get that certificate with our names on it and the ability to get to change my last name as well as prove to everyone that I am forever his. Forever will I be his and forever will he hold a special place in my heart.
There is a saying “you never know what you got till it is gone” and it has proven to be so very true. All those annoying quirks that I always wished would stop have proven to be the things that I dearly miss the most. I seem to miss and cherish all the things I thought I wanted to stop or change. Now I would give absolutely anything to have one more stupid fight over absolutely nothing, watch him try to fix one more thing that appeared to be working just fine, hear a “smart” comment that at the time seemed totally uncalled for, or have him come walking into the bedroom after a hard day at work reeking of G&L chili dogs. So many things that I just wished would go away and yet not having them around any longer just leaves an empty void.
I miss my best friend, my true love, and my soul mate with everything that I am. There are no words that can describe this pain that I am feeling and I can honestly say I hope that no one is ever able to 100% understand. This is not an experience I would even wish on my worst enemies. Losing someone that I was supposed to marry has been a truly crushing event and has rocked me to the very core of my being. Everyone wants to help or wishes they could say something that would make it better. The problem is I know that nothing they can say will change it and in a way I am kind of glad that they can’t find words because they haven’t felt this exact kind of pain. For me night time is when it seems worst. This is usually the time when we would both get to unwind after crazy days and get the opportunity to enjoy each other’s company. I know I am still able to talk to him about my days but it just doesn’t feel the same knowing that he is no longer able to respond to me.
Throughout this experience there are some lessons that I have come to learn the hard way. My late fiancé used to tell me these things and I tried my hardest to follow them throughout our relationship. Now that he is gone I have realized even more so how very important they are to me.
1) Never go to bed angry or upset.
2) Always say “I Love You” before you leave or get off the phone because no one knows when they might be the last words.
3) Enjoy every minute you have because you never know when the clock will stop.
4) Don’t sweat the small stuff
5) Always let the ones you care about know how you feel.
These simple lessons have proven to be so important for me and can apply to anyone and any relationship that is encountered. For the rest of my life I will be keeping these simple easy to apply lessons in mind no matter what I am doing. No one knows when the time clock of life is up so don’t wait for a catastrophic event to help you put things in to perspective.
Four months later and it still feels like yesterday. The pain comes in waves and is paralyzing at times. Looking through pictures and remembering good times helps at some points and then at other times those things prove to be very painful reminders that no new ones will ever get to be made. Our last good pictures were the ones taken at our engagement session which was the beginning of November. Words can never describe how eternally grateful I am to Brenda Hoffman for capturing those moments and the very essence of our relationship. The pictures she took are some of my favorites that I have from our four year relationship. Forever will those pictures be held close to my heart and help to encapture so much of who we were not only as individuals but also as a couple. “Pictures are worth a thousand words” is a saying that rings out so very true. Once someone is gone from this life they are one of the few things that remain. They are memories that have been frozen in time and are able to be relived whenever a chance arises to go through them. When going through you can always remember what was happening as well as possibly what was said. Pictures, memories, and possessions are all that stay when a person departs this life.
Everyone left behind is mourning and handling this tragic event in different ways. Those most difficult for me to handle has been watching and listening to our nieces and nephews. These kids range in age from 5 months up to 14 years in age. When the younger ones ask the most innocent of questions, they can raise the most extreme reactions. Most recently the hardest was when our 6yr old niece looked at me and asked “ Why won’t anyone tell me why Uncle BamBam died?” . All I could muster up to tell her was that she isn’t old enough to understand; on the other hand I also don’t believe I am old enough to understand the truth at 27. Trying to explain to these kids that don’t fully understand is a nearly impossible task. Each new innocent question opens up a fresh new wound in an already shattered heart. I know they are not trying to cause problems or make me upset. They are trying to heal and figure out a way to understand what is happening.
The songs “ I Miss My Friend” by Darryl Worley and “You Should Be Here” by Cole Swindell have become my favorite songs. All of the lyrics ring so true for my day to day life. It is so great when there is a song that can describe feelings that you are unable to find words to describe. There are some days it is all I can do to just get up and out of bed in the morning. I just keep trying to tell myself take it one minute at a time, then once you get past the minutes take it one hour at a time, once those hours have been gotten through take it a day at a time. Then so on so forth into weeks and months and years. Eventually and slowly getting through everything as well as getting passed.
March 23, 2016 my world stopped as soon as that precious heart ceased to beat again. Almost like I felt when the decision was made and carried out. One day the pain may lessen and the tears will cease to fall, however no amount of time passing can take away the everlasting love that I have for you. I hope you are soaring high with eagles free from all the worldly pain and misery.
I love you so much forever and always, with all my heart and soul, I promise you. May you forever rest in peace Damien Stricker 12/11/85 – 3/23/16.
Thank you to anyone who took the time to read.
Emily (Daniels) Stricker